The Devill's Watchmen
by Swamp Thing
Summary: The trouble begins when The Comedian and Nite Owl visit Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen...


The Devil's Watchmen

EXT. Captain Spaulding's Museum Of Maniacs And Madmen

It seems pretty quiet tonight, a few odd people pumping gas, one or two patrons carrying out bags of fried chicken. Suddenly, from above, Archie descends and from the mighty airship emerge NITE OWL and THE COMEDIAN.

THE COMEDIAN

Alright, boss, fill er up, I'm gonna check out the scene inside.

INT. Captain Spaulding's Museum Of Maniacs and Madmen

CAPTAIN SPAULDING is cleaning the counter with a rag when The Comedian enters.

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

Hey, there, World War I Flying Ace, that your goddamned spaceship outside, taking up four of my pumps?

THE COMEDIAN

We'll be out of your way in a minute.

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

Say, I know you! You're that comedian!

THE COMEDIAN

Well, I ain't Lenny Bruce!

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

No, you're that superhero! I hear they're getting ready to pass a law to get rid of all you fuckers.

THE COMEDIAN

That is the rumor.

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

Well, from what I hear about you, ain't no law gonna stop you. You and that ink blot mask-wearin sonabitch.

THE COMEDIAN

Yeah, Rorschach. He's pretty out there.

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

Damn straight. Say, while you superhero types is in the area, there's something you plain have to see.

THE COMEDIAN

And what might that be?

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

The Dr. Satan tree. I'll draw you a map.

He draws a crude map on a piece of paper and hands it to The Comedian.

CAPTAIN SPAULDING

You have a nice day, now.

The Comedian leaves.

INT. Archie

The ship is taking off with Nite Owl at the controls.

THE COMEDIAN

Crazy fucking clown in there gave me this map to something called the Dr. Satan tree.

NITE OWL

Well, is it close by? We can check it out.

THE COMEDIAN

Probably just some bullshit thing, man, fuck it. Hey, what's that down there?

ANGLE ON:

Below the ship we see a female figure waving her arms.

THE COMEDIAN

She looks like a piece of ass.

NITE OWL

You can tell from up here?

THE COMEDIAN

Fuck yeah, man.

EXT. Field

BABY is the one standing waving her arms. Archie lands and picks her up, then taking off again.

INT. Archie

Baby is now seated in the back.

BABY

Thanks for stopping.

THE COMEDIAN

No problem, my lady.

BABY

Aren't you sweet!

NITE OWL

Where are you headed?

BABY

On my way home.

EXT. Firefly Ranch

Dead, rotting things everywhere. As seen in _The Devil's Rejects_. Archie lands in an open space. Baby emerges.

BABY

Thanks so much. Sure I can't convince you fellas to come in for a night cap?

NITE OWL

We've got to get back to the city.

THE COMEDIAN

Fuck that noise, you go back to the city, I'm staying here.

NITE OWL

Fine, I'll be back for you in the morning. Pervert.

The Comedian gets out and follows Baby inside.

INT. Firefly House

The Comedian is seated alone on the couch. OTIS can be heard screaming at Baby off screen.

OTIS (OS)

Do you realize who the fuck you just brought into our home? He's one of those fucking Crimebusters. He was one of the fucking Minutemen! He's a killer! He killed fuckers in Vietnam and he killed fuckers in New York City! We're gonna have to ice that fucker!

Otis steps in.

OTIS

Sorry about that, sir. So, you a big superhero?

THE COMEDIAN

I wouldn't say that, I just try to get the job done.

OTIS

Now, now, I seen you on the news. You're the one who gets it done. The rest of them fuckers is pussies.

THE COMEDIAN

Well, maybe.

OTIS

Either that or fine-ass pieces of pussy. I know you fucked that Sally Jupiter bitch.

THE COMEDIAN

Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but you can sure to fuck sniff the glove I wore that day.

Otis chuckles.

OTIS

Right on, right on. So, you call yourself The Comedian, eh? Well I got a joke for you.

Otis pulls out a gun and shoots The Comedian in the head.

EXT. Firefly Ranch- Sunup

Archie lands again. Out come RORSCHACH and Nite Owl.

RORSCHACH

Land dry. Incest.

NITE OWL

Yeah, the girl we picked up last night seemed a little creepy.

INT. Firefly House

Otis spots Archie outside.

OTIS

Ah, fuck me! More of those fuckers!

Otis steps outside and shoots Rorschach and Nite Owl in the head. Suddenly, DR. SATAN appears.

DR. MANHATTAN

That was uncalled for.

He blasts Otis away. From under the ground emerges DR. SATAN. Dr. Manhattan makes a move to blast him away as well but

DR. SATAN

No! Wait! Don't you see? We're two of a kind, Dr. Manhattan. We're both victims of our own failed experiments. Join me and we can cure the world. Look around you. There's nothing left for you in your old life.

DR. MANHATTAN

Yes… you're quite right.

The two hardcore make out and walk off hand-in-hand.


End file.
